MY REALITY
2021
There is no default in life. Everyone has their own journeys, their own experiences, and struggles. Mine takes shape with the constant confusion of self-identity, sexuality, and gender. It is not cut and dry like for those who have the luxury to not contemplate these things.
Mine is like a ball of yarn, it starts off clean, but becomes more difficult to untangle the further it unravels. By creating a narrative of my own realities, perhaps then another can feel confident enough to share theirs. Or at least open the eyes for those who watch from the outside.
VERSION ONE
Initial sketches and writings were based solely on my experience in 2021. My intention is to combine digital and geometric aspects with a more traditional format of paragraph type for prints.
VERSION TWO
Going off of the digital meets physical, I decided to explore the design options at my disposal. The writing itself has also changed, more focused on my experiences as a member of the LGBT+ community that others may not have gone through. Furthermore, the additional incorporation of song lyrics that relate to my self-written content illustrate the relationship individuals may have with of social media and online entertainment.
VERSION THREE
After much deliberation, I decided to rethink the design style I was utilizing in the previous version. By making it more element based with different shapes and textures in images, it better replicates the digital world of social media.
FINAL VERSION
This final variation takes 2 things into consideration: the parallel of abstract shapes and Queer questioning that go hand in hand, as well as the break up of text that denies any sort of systematic grid system. These pages, as a whole, reflect the ever changing uncertainties in life despite the similarities of elements surrounding them.
Coming Out | Song: "BANG!" AJR
"My story is probably the more pleasant one compared to others. No fighting, no questioning, no fear or confusion in my parent’s eyes. Just my tears and my mother asking why I’m crying. Asking why I was too afraid to tell her all this time. Hugging me close as we drive down the road back home. Inevitably ending with laughter when she told me she guessed it but wasn’t sure if I was gay or not. I told her I was Bi and in love. She knew immediately who I was talking about and did not fault me at all. It took 3 months of anxious thoughts, negative self-reflection, and wild imaginations of how it would go. 3 months for a 5-minute conversation in a car ride home from a party. It was not planned or intended. The words “I need to tell you something” were clawing at the back of my throat, desperate to come out until finally I blurted it out. I do not know why I decided to do it then. I had no plans of when to say it before. The only thought that comes to mind is the conversation with my cousin."
"Straight people don’t have to do this. Cis gendered people don’t have to do this. It’s dumb. Who wants to be boring? Why is that the norm? People call straight people “Defaults” and its not only funny but unfair. Unfair that to be straight is the norm. That I am outside of it. That my community are outsiders. That we have to take extra steps to be happy. That we are not supported by the community, legal systems, government, and religions. That those who band together to form our own community are seen as sassy, mean, and feisty when confronted with even a bit of negativity. When in reality the world made us this way."
Resentment | Song: "Karma" AJR
Anxiety | Song: "Overwhelmed!" Ryan Mack Remix
"I don’t think anyone really understands how stressful coming out is unless they’ve experienced it themselves. You hear about it in stories, the stress and mess of what happens. But having to go through it is another beast in itself. There’s the whisper of a thought in the back of your mind, barely there, just a flicker of a frame. It slowly builds overtime to a nagging thought, one that brings anxious anticipation and undeniable uncertainty. It no longer hides in the background, it looms over your shadow with whispers of confusion and anguish. Thoughts of “what will happen”, “will I be okay?” “what if they don't accept me?” The horror stories of fellow members being pushed out of their homes, rejected, or abused ignite this flame even more somewhere in the chaotic mess that is your mind. My mind..."
Disappointment | Song: "F You" Lily Allen
"Not everyone is supportive. Whether it be for your dreams, religious beliefs, career choice, or whatever. My “Lola” (honorific for someone like a grandmother) is someone that not only suffers from a generational gap and refuses to adapt to current society. Before she found out I was dating a woman, she had paid for 3 years of my tuition. After she found out, I was cut off. I’m fine with that, I refuse to accept any sort of support for someone who only cares for themselves. I was the first one to come out in my family, I never did anything like make a post or tell my story. I just lived my life and posted pictures, birthdays, anniversaries, dates, ect. Most of them got the point. When my uncle finally came out, he made a post, explaining his story. My “Lola” called him a disappointment. He came to me for advice, I told him my story and how I could care less about her. I really couldn’t. And if you, my “Lola” who did this, reads this. Kindly fuck off. Sincerely, another disappointment in your life."
"Most people think it’s easy to figure out someone’s sexuality. But honestly? It’s the most difficult thing to do, besides figuring out your gender as well. For sexuality there’s bisexual, pansexual, heterosexual, asexual, autosexual, demisexual, and more. Then there are different types of romantic interests like demiromantic, aromantic, homoromantic, and panromantic to name but a few. Gender? Not any better. Agender, gender nonconforming, cisgender, transgender, nonbinary and so much more. It’s like a ball of yarn, it starts off easy but becomes more difficult to untangle the further you unravel it."
Constant Confusion | Song: "Shutter Island" Jessie Reyez
"I’m pretty sure part of the reason I’m bi is that I just hate men. Not all of them, just the majority that are dumbasses. We live in America, where if you’re not a male in power, you have no power. Females? Sure, I can work, vote, and have freedom. But if I don’t have penis, then I have no power. I have no control. I will be subjected to cat callings, unsolicited dick pics, a wage gap, lack of control over my body, and who knows how many more. To all the males reading this, the small percentage that I don’t hate, please don’t become one of the majority. We as females are too afraid, it’s us against half the population and we are already outpowered as is."
Female as Fuck | Song: "King & Queens" Ava Max
"We are still human. We still have our faults, our desires, our mistakes, and dreams. Just because some of us date the same sex, doesn’t mean we automatically have a happier relationship. Just because we go through the same hardships, doesn’t mean we cope with it the same way. Physical, mental, and emotional abuse are just as much our realities as others. Cheating, lying, and deception are just as much our realities as others. We are human. We still make mistakes, so why must we be subjected to expectations that life is perfect afterwards? Someone I trusted for 4 years of my life, becomes a 4 year mistake that I wish I could take back. Love turns to fear. Acceptance into lies. Emojis become triggers. Phone calls become stressful. Letters turn to ash. Pictures turn to remorse. And hope turns to defeat."
Human | Song: "Shutter Island" Jessie Reyez
"I’m too white to be filipino. My skin is a milky color, unblemished but easily flushed pink at times. I cannot write or speak Tagalog, when I speak it is awkward and choppy. My mother never wanted me to learn it as a child. If I did the elementary school would then place me in ESL class, she said it would hold me back so she never bothered. I am closer with my filipino side, but I lost out on the culture, language, and communications with my relatives. I am closer to them, yet I am aware of a wall dividing me from them."
White Washed | Song: "SAD" Clap Your Hands
"I’m too Asian to be white. My hair is dark, nose pronounced and eyes defined. I cannot abide by the stereotypical white, straight culture that is expected as a whole. I grew up with diversity in schools and neighborhoods, ethnicities differed just as religions did too. My white side, as much as I may love them, are not the relatives I am a part of. There is a divide in expectations and reality, the truth in understanding what privilege is. I love them, yet I am aware of a wall dividing me from them."
Cultural Divide | Song: "Dear Insecurity" Gnash
"I’m not a happy person. I have depression, anxiety, ADHD, and who knows what else. I overthink things, question my choices, my moods fluctuate, and I’m insecure about myself. But that’s just who I am. I’m learning to cope, to handle these moments, and to be confident in myself and who I am. My friend group is small, but it’s personal and I love them all the same. Am I in a better place? Probably, but I know I’ll get better. My choices define who I am and who I am is someone who wants to be happy. So I will not apologize for being bisexual, for being nonbinary, and being a female Filipino-American in this country that’s supposedly the “land of the free.” To all everyone reading this, thank you for giving this a chance. For hearing my story. And I hope you can take away something from this. Sincerely, Michelle."
Self Love | Song: "Sunday Best" Surfaces
"There is no default in life, everyone has their own journeys, their own experiences, and struggles. Mine takes shape with the constant confusion of self-identity, sexuality, and gender. It is not cut and dry like for those who have the luxury to not contemplate these things. Mine is like a ball of yarn, it starts off easy, but becomes more difficult to untangle the further you unravel it. By creating a narrative of my own realities, perhaps then another can feel confident enough to share theirs. Or at least open the eyes for those who watch from the outside."
About | Song Credits
